John 11:35 - the shortest verse in the Bible - Jesus wept.
Friday I cried. It was a pretty rough day, emotionally. I felt like I couldn't stop crying. Yet, when it came down to it, it wasn't grieving for Savannah that caused the pain. It was an all out, little whiny baby fit, and I knew it. I wanted what I wanted so bad, and I knew the answer was no or not right now, but I didn't want to accept it. I knew that the only way to have peace was to get back into that place of trust, to accept God's will for my life, and I kept telling God that I wanted to but I just couldn't. Yet I knew that the truth was more that I wouldn't. Yes, it was so incredibly hard - yes all my wants were natural, normal, legitimate in the world's eyes things, but that didn't make them any less full of self. So I cried. And Jesus held me, even as I continued to try to push Him away. As if I could actually go off on my own, get control over my emotions, and then come back to His presence. Ha! Eventually the tears stopped and I was ready to get back up and walk along His path, however long it might be til His not now became a now. (I was still struggling with giving over enough to accept an all out no. LOL)
At one point during that night, I looked in the mirror and what I saw scared me. I saw eyes that were dull and dead. I saw where holding onto my wants would lead - a place of bitterness and pain. I looked into the abyss and I didn't like what I saw. I worried that I was a total hypocrite writing the things I've written here about God's grace and peace, His love and sovereignty while allowing myself to give into the doubt and selfishness all that day. And I cried out for God to help me to trust Him and to give me His joy. I had some wonderful prayer warrior friends praying for me too. And peace came. God is so good!
I had a wonderful talk with a friend of mine today. We were discussing whether thoughts and emotions like fear and sadness were wrong. She was concerned that if God considered my emotions on Friday to be *sin* that that would mean He was not a loving, compassionate, understanding God. I think that the problem is that we don't like the word sin. It's an uncomfortable word, for sure. We tend to think that when we sin, God will (and should) punish us. But if the definition of sin is anything that is not born of faith, then, yes, those thoughts of mine were sin. And even if one is of the opinion that the thought itself is not sin, but hanging onto it is - I stand guilty as charged. But does that mean God rejects me and punishes me for it? Absolutely not!
I have often said that we don't need to *do* all the "right" things, act the right way etc. in our own strength. It will never work. All God wants from us is to *love Him* with all our soul, all our mind, and all our strength. Just love Him, be with Him, stay in Him, and He will work all those things out within us and grow us to be more like Him - all Him living through us.
What I wasn't taking into account, and where my friend was so incredibly right to point out to me today, was that it is the same with our thoughts and emotions, not just our actions. Instead of crying out, "Lord, I believe! Help, thou my unbelief!" I was trying to put on the mind of Christ in my own strength. Perhaps God allowed the down time, even knowing that I would fall, to teach me that even taking my thoughts captive is not something that I can ever do - but something that Jesus must do through me as I just tuck into Him under His wings
- and sometimes
let the tears flow
while never letting go
of Him.
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Heidi, hello again. I commented on my sorrow of the loss of your baby. I am so sorry that the pain comes back. I hope that GOD's mercy can paint a picture in your mind of how this fits in HIS plan. I like to think that all souls have to be born and die. I think it is HIS will that some babies be born(created) but never know the pain of sin and death in this world. I believe HE is bringing children home at an unprecedented rate. I see women and read about women who lose several children. I know that my thoughts may be wrong scripturally, and they certainly don't ease pain in any way, but in my own loss, that is the reverberating hug from GOD to my brain. This is HIS plan and this is part of HIS big design. There are others who believe that this loss is a result of sin( the devil comes to steal, kill, and to destroy), not yours or my personal sin, but death is the consequence of sin, sin that entered into the world in the Garden of Eden. I have to fathom that GOD is still in control even in this loss and that HE has allowed this to happen as part of HIS plan. Enough of my ramblings, I logged on before as anonymous, but I have been posting to a blog. I will log in as my blogger and you can read about how I feel about my latest loss. I have lost my last little baby, and had to have an emergency hysterectomy. I too believe this is GOD's plan for my life, and I like you am confessing that I will walk this path with HIM, for HIM, by HIM, and only because of HIM. HE has given me the courage to face my loss with faith, and without the bitterness that I held onto for so long after my other losses. I hope that what I am writing is not painful to you, and if what I say is scriptual or not, then you correct me as you feel the need. In love and laughter, Theresa Taylor
ReplyDeleteWhat a day for this post Heidi! I, too, was crying and weeping so hard earlier today for many things that are going on. I, too, looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw either. I cried out to the Lord, I cried out in emotional pain and agony. I was grieving for a husband that is still here, yet his memory doesn't remember our marriage or so many things from our past due his open-heart surgery in Dec. 2006. The thought of that, of losing him in that way culminated with some other things that brought me to a frazzled end and I wept so hard too. Oh, my dear friend. I am so with you today when you say, "Perhaps God allowed the down time, even knowing that I would fall, to teach me that even taking my thoughts captive is not something that I can ever do - but something that Jesus must do through me as I just tuck into Him under His wings - and sometimes let the tears flow while never letting go of Him."
ReplyDeleteDespite what we both are going through in different situations, we feel the same and I am ever so thankful, especially for today, that you were so honest and open with your feelings, because you ministered to me in a such a profound way. The funny thing is, I checked your site a couple of times today. I was definitely meant to read this today of all days.
I love you dear Heidi.
Alleluiabelle
HEIDI,WHAT A BEAUTIFUL POST.YOU ARE SUCH A BLESSING TO ME!SENDING YOU LOTS OF HUGS!BLESSING FROM FAYE!
ReplyDeletePraying for you Heidi. I enjoy the cd so much!! Thankyou! I received it the same day I found out about your precious baby. I played it and just wept and prayed for you.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post. What a blessing to read today. Thank you for sharing yourself so openly. (((Heidi)))
((((Heidi)))) I am continuing to pray for you, and your family, Heidi.
ReplyDelete~Kathy
Hello Heidi,
ReplyDeleteI think I understand what you are meaning here. I profess to be a Christian and yet some times I feel like such a phoney because I try to do things in my own strength. It is so hard to completely understand how to give things over to our Lord and let Him work things out. For me something so simple can become so complex and I tie myself in knots trying to work it all out. Then for a fraction of a moment I just let Him take control and it feels so good, and I experience His peace. But then I must panic or something because I loose that peace and start going in circles again. I realize that my burdens are so different from yours and I pray that you will find peace and joy through your grief. I really want to thank you for sharing this post today as it helps us all understand our fellow Christians who are walking that narrow path to eternal peace with our Lord.
Blessing Gail
Dear Heidi, God gives us a time for everything,a time to morn, a time to love...our lives are seasons of His time...I don't think we are supposed to fathom His reasons just to rest assured that He has only the best for us...resting in Him.
ReplyDeleteLove and Blessings to you all and great big hugs..
shelley p
from over the pond
Heidi,
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking the time to write this....it is wonderful and your words are so true.
I do have a question: I have felt like I was being punished by God and I have been believing it was from God? If it wasn't God punishing me then what was I feeling?
Love,
R
What amazing truths you have shared here beloved one...Thank you for pouring out your heart...and thank you for sharing. It greatly ministered to my heart ((hugs))
ReplyDelete