Savannah's Story - Part 2

If you'd like to start with part one of Savannah's story, go here:

http://habakkuk3.blogspot.com/2009/03/savannahs-story-part-1.html


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Over the years, the two attributes of God that have given me the most comfort, peace, and joy - that have knit together my heart with my Lord's

Are that of His Sovereignty

God is in control of every detail of our lives, and nothing comes to us except that which He has allowed.

Mixed with His Incredible Love

He loves us so very much! And He promises that All things will be worked out for our good, coming together, woven into the wonderful, beautiful tapestry of His plan for our lives...

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And then six years later,
after God gave us Amanda Grace and Emilie Lynnette to hold in our arms and raise in our home -

after I thought I had learned the lesson of "whatever" and I thought the time of losing babies was over ~


God gave us Savannah Rose.



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My pregnancy was uneventful. I've never had much trouble with morning sickness. The Lord has blessed me in that way.

The hard part for me is the last few weeks, sore hips, contractions that feel like real labor but then say "Psych", knowing that I may well go past my due date even a week or two.

It's easy to fall into whiny, poor-me thinking. It is a time of learning to trust God for His timing and His plan.

Then I printed out and pasted in my blog post from here:
http://habakkuk3.blogspot.com/2009/02/waiting-waiting-waiting-on-lord.html




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The blog post continues onto the next page full of thankyou's.

I added by hand:
Thankyou for the valley, for the journey, for Your hand holding us -

Thankyou for Savannah Rose




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It was Thursday night, the 26th when I really began to be concerned. My babies often have a really busy day followed by a quiet day, and then, just when I'm starting to say, "ok, Lord, let this baby move," he will get busy again.

Thursday night I kept praying, but he didn't get busy.

I made a pitcher of kool-aid and drank three glasses, but he didn't get busy.

I played music through the headphones for him, but he didn't get busy.

I got out my baby heartbeat listener and found only silence -



I was afraid.

My worst nightmare.



Mike was overnight in Oshkosh, so it was just me and God -
I didn't want to live this.



But God reminded me again that there was no point to worry or fear. God's plan is what it is. And He is enough...

I printed out the lyrics to Ginny Owens' song, "If You Want Me To"


The pathway is broken And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley If You want me to

Chorus: Cause I'm not who I was When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
ya oh oh no

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I go through the valley If You want me to


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My midwife, Chris had been planning to come that week to check baby's position. He'd been breech, sideways, pretty much everything but head down. So I called Chris and asked her to make sure she brought her doppler.

She came as soon as she could. An ice storm the day before had made scraping the car and getting out of the driveway a long task.

Chris looked and looked for a long time,
but once again
all we heard
was Silence ~


Mike met us at the hospital, where an ultrasound confirmed that our baby was already with Jesus.



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Dear friends and family held us up in prayer as I began a labor different than any I'd been through before.

I included the first part of my friend, Jewels' post, asking for prayer on her Eyes of Wonder blog. http://www.eyesofwonder.typepad.com/my_weblog/



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Labor was slow -
like all my labors.

It gave us time to talk,
to pray
to process -

It gave me time to stay in the moment
with God.



Going on is a moment by moment thing. If I think ahead to what is to come, I fall apart. If I think back to what has happened, I'm assaulted by regrets. But right now in this moment, God is here and He is all and He is enough.

It is hard to feel so much like any other labor, but to know it's not. To feel the end of a contraction and think just for a split secon that I felt the baby move. It's when I think ahead to going home without a baby , trying to get back to normal life, that I think I can't handle it. But in this moment, God is here. Mike and I were able to come to agreements on plans as far as we can make them right now. We will be having the baby cremated so we can bury him on our own land and dear pastor friend of our family has agreed to do a memorial service at our house. It's mainly the when that is the question, I guess, and that's in God's hands. We'll see if this labor is as slow as most of mine.

I wrote in part of my song "Just For This Moment"

Just for this moment, I abide in Thee.
My roots grow deep within the Vine
and let Your life flow through me.

Just for this moment,
And when this moment's through,
May Your grace stretch this moment
within Your embrace
Into a lifetime of moments in You...

Go on to part three of Savannah's Story:
http://habakkuk3.blogspot.com/2009/03/savannahs-story-part-3.html

Savannah's Story part 1

I've been wanting to tell Savannah's story here on the blog.

There have been so many wonderful people praying for us through this time and I appreciate it so very very much!

I put together a scrapbook which was available for people to look at during Savannah's "visitation / open house" thing on Saturday.

I thought I'd try to "show" you it here. It will be a long post with lots of pictures, even splitting it over several days, so please bear with me. :)

Love and thanks to all of you!!!!!

My son, Terran created the tooled leather cover for Savannah's book.

My son, Jeremi marbled the paper that I used for the end papers.

My son, Micha spent hours watching his sister, Emilie so that I could finish the book.

Without them, this would not have been possible. :)

page 1

page 2:

I can't really tell Savannah's story without first telling Tori's and Sarah's and Stephen's.

For the journey really begins there - a journey of pain, yes, but much more of learning and growing in the Lord, of seeing His hand and loving His ways...

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page 4

I printed out and pasted in my blog post which you can read here:

http://habakkuk3.blogspot.com/2009/02/one-of-my-favorite-things.html

page 5:

I printed out pictures I found on the internet of babies at 6 weeks, 8 weeks, and 11 weeks gestation - the ages at which I miscarried each of my three little ones.

No Life Too Small

Victoria Ruthanne

July 2000

named after my Gramma Rosenow

Sarah Morganne Laine

March 2001

named after a lovely woman who taught me about loving God's Word

(if you've never read Laine's Letters - http://www.lainesletters.com/ - I'm sure you would be blessed to do so.)

Stephen Matthias

May 2003

His name was given to me by God in a dream

As a Lutheran who believes in the efficacy of infant baptism, my biggest concern was the salvation of a baby who died before having the opportunity to be baptized.

Pastor Sturm was not very helpful, but I prayed to God to show me in His Word what was true. I couldn't just believe it because I wanted it to be true, I had to know God said so.

That day in my Bible reading, was when God first gave me Psalm 22:10 - "From my mother's womb, You have been my God."

We know that babies can hear while still in the womb. How many times have I felt a little one within me react to a noise or to music. God's Word says that faith cometh by hearing and hearing by the Word of God. Knowing that our babies heard God's Word while still inside me, I felt God's comforting confirmation that even an unborn child could be gifted with God's saving grace...

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I printed out the words to my song, Little One

As I grieved for those little ones - barely there and then taken away -

I was learning that just because I'd always wanted a big family, that didn't mean I was relying on the Lord to open and close the womb.

He had to teach me to say

WHATEVER, LORD!

I will trust You

I will love You

I will serve You

whatever Your plans for me might be...

"For I know the plans I have towards you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future."

go on to part two of Savannah's story:
http://habakkuk3.blogspot.com/2009/03/savannahs-story-part-2.html

In His Hands

In His Hands

I love this picture even though it's blurry.

It's blurry because Amanda just would not stand still.

She was singing and dancing, smiling and praising...

"He's got the itty bitty baby in His hands. He's got the itty bitty baby in His hands. He's got the itty bitty baby in His hands. He's got the whole world in His hands.."

This is the same little girl who was crying uncontrollably the other day, wondering if she could go to the store and buy a baby doll and name it Savannah Rose and give it to me. In fact, I had just posted on my board asking for prayer for her, when I heard her singing in the kitchen and just had to grab my camera. God is so good!

Psalm 42:11

Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.

Just a Quick Thankyou For Now

I'm hoping to get some pictures uploaded here and do a real blog post soon. But for now, I just wanted to say the most incredible, heartfelt thanks. What an overwhelming (in a good way) thing to see hundreds of people all over the world, praying for us, loving us, and being touched by my daughter's life and death. We are so looking forward to seeing her in heaven someday.

Savannah Rose was born still on February 28, 2009 (just 2 days before her due date)
She was 4 lb 15 oz and 17" long.

God is ever present and so wonderfully loving to us. We are in His hand, right where we belong.

Thanks again,
- Heidi

Story for a Song - 3

Just For This Moment





A few years ago I read a book by Andrew Murray entitled "Abide in Christ". It really touched my heart because it fit in with what God was teaching me and then went a step beyond.





God had been teaching me about sanctification and what it really means. We tend to look at our lives in Christ and see His justification as something He does in and through us. We recognize that we have no ability in ourselves to come to Him or believe in Him. But when it comes to sanctification - the growing up in the Lord - we tend to see it as something *we* have to do.





We strive and try to be better people, berate ourselves for our failings, and beg God to lift us up again, only to run off and try to try harder in our own strength! Crazy, isn't it?





When we come to realize that sanctification is just like justification - it is something that *God* does, not that *we* do - there is a peace that comes and a freedom that abounds. It is not a do nothing kind of faith. It does not mean that we live just as we want and think God will change us into something better, although it can sound almost that way. His yoke is easy and His burden light! What it is, is a faith that finds it's focus in knowing and loving God. That's all. That's it. Not trying to be perfect parents/siblings/spouses/church members/people. Not *having* to wear dresses only or cover our heads or avoid television and rock music. Not finding a formula to live by.





Just loving God


Just delighting in Him


Just enjoying Him


Just abiding in Him





And when we do those things, *HE* works in us, changes us, makes us more and more like Him. We may wear dresses only because we *want* to. We might feel it's the best way to fulfil His command to be modest and feminine. We do it because He causes our heart to *want* to do it. And the same with any other kind of lifestyle change that can *look* like some kind of requirement to be godly. But it's NOT because it's some rule we have to follow. Not any of those things - just something that flows out of our relationship with Him.





But then comes the question of how do we stay there in that place? How do we keep our eyes on Him? How do we grow beyond the inconsistencies of a fledgling faith that keeps picking up the pieces of our lives and trying to fix them ourselves?





That's where the book helped me so much. Mr. Murry wrote about living in the *moment*. Just for THIS moment. Right now. I put my eyes on Christ. I trust in Him. I love Him. I abide in Him. I am not worried about how many moments are left in my life and how many times I'll fall. All that matters is the now. And right now He is here, within me, changing me and loving me, and growing me into all that He wants me to be. And I can trust that He will stretch those moments, from one into another, into another, until I am living my whole life IN HIM!





Here's the link for the song:


http://www.daddys-little-princess.com/JustForThisMoment.mp3





and here are the words:





Just for this moment, I abide in Thee.
My roots grow deep within the Vine and let Your life flow through me.
Just for this moment, I will cease to strive
To live my life in my own strength,
Oh, let all that is of me die!





Lord, I praise You that You're able
To work even in me!
Your strength is made perfect in my weakness
And Your grace is sufficient for me!
There is freedom in admitting
That there's nothing good in me.
For when I rest and let You do Your work,
You will change my heart indeed!




Just for this moment, I abide in Thee
My roots grow deep within the Vine
And let Your life flow through me.
Just for this moment - and when this moment's through,
May Your grace stretch this moment within Your embrace
Into a lifetime of moments in You!!

Sunshine

Recently I found myself very dis-satisfied with every picture I took. I've actually gotten some wonderful (at least in my opinion LOL) pictures in the past and considered myself a fairly good photographer. But I just couldn't get the look that I wanted and I couldn't figure out why. My pictures were either washed out

or dark and grainy

or super blurry

It was awful. I knew it wasn't the camera's fault. Then I remembered I'd had this problem before. It was wintertime that was the problem. So I started doing some research online on how to get good pictures indoors during winter.

It turned out my problem was light. There just wasn't enough of it. The shutter was moving slower (because of lack of light) letting my small movements show up in a blurry or grainy picture.

So I asked Mike, who is a much better photographer, for help and he showed me where to change some of the settings on my camera.

We tried changing the color settings, but I felt it was still kind of washed out.

A higher ISO made for a *decent* picture, although still just a little grainy in my opinion - and just not a *great* picture. I wanted pictures that popped! Pictures that looked *alive*!

Finally, one of my online friends suggested turning off the flash, waiting for a sunny morning, and using natural light coming in the windows.

Wow! What a difference! I finally had pictures that had life in them! Pictures that I wanted to keep and share with others.

What a difference light makes! And not just any light. I turned on my flash in several of those earlier pictures, but they still fell flat. It was natural sunlight - God's light that breathed life into those photographs. It was the play of light and shadow more than just having enough light that made the difference.

And then I realized it was another metaphor from God. :) Isn't He cool?! In my life, there are times of darkness - wintery times. Often, I've tried to force my own ideas of light into the situation, but although they may seem to help a little, they lack the power to tranform my life into something truly beautiful. It's just a flat copy of what could be.

But when God's light shines into my life, it makes even the shadows part of the beauty. A beauty that glows with true life!

p.s. For anyone who missed out on the free cd, it is available for purchase at http://www.daddys-little-princess.com/music.html

Story of a Song - 2

You Are My Everything

This was one of the first songs I wrote. We were stationed in Sicily and Mike had just extended for another year there. I knew it was the right decision to stay, but still I was lonely - missing family - missing friends.

God was just beginning to teach me in those days to really truly rely on Him, not on others, or wallowing in my feelings. He reminded me that He alone is there always with me. He truly is my all in all. This simple song of praise came out of that.

http://www.daddys-little-princess.com/YouAreMyEverything.mp3

chorus: You are my God. You are my King. You are my Everything.

Oh, Lord, You are my God. You are my King. You are my Everything.

vs. 1: Oh Lord, I've come from the depths, not on my own part,

but only by Thy grace.

You've lifted me up and that's why I can say,

"I want You in my life. I want You as my Lord."

chorus: You are my God. You are my King. You are my Everything.
Oh, Lord, You are my God. You are my King. You are my Everything.

vs. 2: Oh Lord, may my life be always set before You

as a living sacrifice.

May the words of my mouth and thoughts within my heart

be pleasing in Your sight. I love You, Lord, my life!

chorus: You are my God. You are my King. You are my Everything.
Oh, Lord, You are my God. You are my King. You are my Everything.