Over the years, the two attributes of God that have given me the most comfort, peace, and joy - that have knit together my heart with my Lord's
Are that of His Sovereignty
God is in control of every detail of our lives, and nothing comes to us except that which He has allowed.
Mixed with His Incredible Love
He loves us so very much! And He promises that All things will be worked out for our good, coming together, woven into the wonderful, beautiful tapestry of His plan for our lives...
And then six years later,
after God gave us Amanda Grace and Emilie Lynnette to hold in our arms and raise in our home -
after I thought I had learned the lesson of "whatever" and I thought the time of losing babies was over ~
God gave us Savannah Rose.
My pregnancy was uneventful. I've never had much trouble with morning sickness. The Lord has blessed me in that way.
The hard part for me is the last few weeks, sore hips, contractions that feel like real labor but then say "Psych", knowing that I may well go past my due date even a week or two.
It's easy to fall into whiny, poor-me thinking. It is a time of learning to trust God for His timing and His plan.
Then I printed out and pasted in my blog post from here:
The blog post continues onto the next page full of thankyou's.
I added by hand:
Thankyou for the valley, for the journey, for Your hand holding us -
Thankyou for Savannah Rose
It was Thursday night, the 26th when I really began to be concerned. My babies often have a really busy day followed by a quiet day, and then, just when I'm starting to say, "ok, Lord, let this baby move," he will get busy again.
Thursday night I kept praying, but he didn't get busy.
I made a pitcher of kool-aid and drank three glasses, but he didn't get busy.
I played music through the headphones for him, but he didn't get busy.
I got out my baby heartbeat listener and found only silence -
I was afraid.
My worst nightmare.
Mike was overnight in Oshkosh, so it was just me and God -
I didn't want to live this.
But God reminded me again that there was no point to worry or fear. God's plan is what it is. And He is enough...
I printed out the lyrics to Ginny Owens' song, "If You Want Me To"
The pathway is broken And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley If You want me to
Chorus: Cause I'm not who I was When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
ya oh oh no
So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I go through the valley If You want me to
My midwife, Chris had been planning to come that week to check baby's position. He'd been breech, sideways, pretty much everything but head down. So I called Chris and asked her to make sure she brought her doppler.
She came as soon as she could. An ice storm the day before had made scraping the car and getting out of the driveway a long task.
Chris looked and looked for a long time,
but once again
all we heard
was Silence ~
Mike met us at the hospital, where an ultrasound confirmed that our baby was already with Jesus.
Dear friends and family held us up in prayer as I began a labor different than any I'd been through before.
I included the first part of my friend, Jewels' post, asking for prayer on her Eyes of Wonder blog. http://www.eyesofwonder.typepad.com/my_weblog/
Labor was slow -
like all my labors.
It gave us time to talk,
to process -
It gave me time to stay in the moment
Going on is a moment by moment thing. If I think ahead to what is to come, I fall apart. If I think back to what has happened, I'm assaulted by regrets. But right now in this moment, God is here and He is all and He is enough.
It is hard to feel so much like any other labor, but to know it's not. To feel the end of a contraction and think just for a split secon that I felt the baby move. It's when I think ahead to going home without a baby , trying to get back to normal life, that I think I can't handle it. But in this moment, God is here. Mike and I were able to come to agreements on plans as far as we can make them right now. We will be having the baby cremated so we can bury him on our own land and dear pastor friend of our family has agreed to do a memorial service at our house. It's mainly the when that is the question, I guess, and that's in God's hands. We'll see if this labor is as slow as most of mine.
I wrote in part of my song "Just For This Moment"
Just for this moment, I abide in Thee.
My roots grow deep within the Vine
and let Your life flow through me.
Just for this moment,
And when this moment's through,
May Your grace stretch this moment
within Your embrace
Into a lifetime of moments in You...
Go on to part three of Savannah's Story: